Shattered
Your heart has been shattered by the one you trusted the most. You feel broken, bruised, a shell with it's contents poured out.
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When you have been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, it can sometimes become more than you can bear.
You have lost part of your identity. This can cause you to feel hopeless, and severely depressed.
Those who love the least, control the most, and the one who loves the most, controls the least. However, marriage was meant to be a partnership, both being equal to the other. But no matter how much you try, you can't erase the love you had for your partner, when your marriage ends.
LOVE AND COMMITMENT
Where do you go from here?
It all begins with commitment. Vows are a very important part of the marriage contract. However, most people do not even know what they mean. A vow is a promise, you make before God, that you intend to keep forever.
Too many people are irresponsible, and jump into a relationship for their own selfish needs. But it is your spouse, your partner's needs that should come before your own. Love is not about what we get, but what we give. It is more important to love, than to be loved.
It was many years, into my adult hood, before I ever fell in love, although I became heart broken as well, before that, I was selfish, I was alone inside. When I fell in love, I became a selfless person. I understood more about life, than I had ever known before.
Love destroys pride, and pride is a destroyer of the human spirit. Love motivates. Love makes you responsible, dependable, and love makes you the person God intended you to be.
Marriage was meant to make us better. It is said you need to work at marriage, but I don't agree. God made marriage perfect. What we need to work at, is being a better person, being the person our spouse married.
Samson, one day fell in love with a woman named Delilah. Samson's enemies, the Philistine rulers went to Delilah, and ask that she lure Samson into telling her the secret of his great strength, and how they could over power him, each promising to pay her eleven hundred shekels of Silver.
Delilah simply asked Samson how he could be tied up, and subdued. Three times Samson told her in what way he could be overtaken, but none of which were true, the fourth time Delilah said to Samson, "you have made a fool of me three times", and she nagged him day, and night until he was sick of it, and told her. "A razor has never touched my head, if my seven braids were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man".
Delilah shaved Samson's seven braids of hair from his head one night while he slept, and called the Philistines, who overtook Samson, as he had become as weak, as any other man. His strength had left him.
Samson loved Delilah, so he was willing to do what pleased her, he ended up giving her all that he had, his strength.
That is what happens sometimes in a marriage, you give all you have to your spouse, in order to please them. But if your spouse is selfish, they may use your weakness for their own gain. It can hurt us for a long time, but just as Samson's hair began to grow again, and he regained his strength, so can you. The mourning process is like the shaven braids of Samson's hair, you will grow again, you will be strong, and believe it or not, you will love again.
Giving your all is what you should do in a relationship, but if you are the only one who gives, there will be much suffering.
If you have never been married, and are planning to be, be sure your partner is willing to be totally selfless, as well as yourself, and for those who have been heart broken because your spouse was not willing to give of themselves, learn from it, allow yourself to be wiser in your future choices.
Still, the meaning of marriage is all about giving. Take the time, to get to know your partner, their needs, and their desires before you commit to a relationship. Don't be afraid to look more deeply into who they really are. After all, this is a life time commitment, if you buy a car, you are not going to look at it, and say that is a great looking car, I will buy it. You are going to look under the hood, test drive it, and asked a few questions. Although a human is much more than a car, you are still looking at a very important merger, and you need to know that it is solid.
The Business Journal wrote an article on what makes mergers successful, and the two key elements were, Collaboration and Strengths. The two company's need to achieve a shared goal, and offering something that the other lacks. You are building on something that is strong. This is how two company's can merge, and become a great power. So should marriage be.
It is important to have commonalities, and I am sure two company's that merge have this, or what would they gain from one another? However, we are not alike, no matter how much we have in common. Perhaps one partner is better at finances, and the other is better at organizing. You combine both of those abilities you each have, to make your merger a successful one.
Would it not be great to have a power house marriage? So powerful that no one could break it apart? You need to think of this at the start of the relationship. To be successful at any thing, is to have a plan, and a goal. This starts with our choices. A successful company would never think about merging with a company that has a bad reputation, a company that has broken its business relationship with every company it has been involved with.
There is a system, whether it is life, marriage, or if it is building a company, a friendship, or a reputation. It all works on the same system, to be successful.
If someone enters a relationship with a married person, you know already, that person is not into commitments. Even if they say there is no sexual relationship between them and their spouse. No matter the excuse, a cheater is a cheater, and unfortunately, they never stop cheating. This type of person, should remain unmarried for their lifetime, because they only hurt those they become involved with.
I recommend marriagetoday.com, with Jim & Karen Evans. Jim Evans gives insight into the needs of a husband, and his desires, and the needs, and desires of a wife.
Also, marriagemax.com, with Mort Fertel, Marriage Fitness. Mort Fertel's program has saved many marriages, even those that seemed to be beyond repair.
Although, we all can be a better spouse, it does take two, to commit to a relationship. But each of us need to do our part. Try not to lash out at your partner in anger, even when you feel you cannot control yourself, and even when you feel you have every right to do so, and you probably do, but forgiveness, and compassion are the key attributes to our own success.
Begin today, to make your life successful, allowing your character to soar to great heights. Never feel useless because your marriage failed. You do not have control over your spouses behavior, but your own. Show compassion as much as you can, because those who hurt others, do so, because they hurt inside. Perhaps the hurt they have caused, is nothing compared to what they are doing to themselves.
When you show compassion, you show unconditional love. If your spouse has allowed something bad in their past to dictate their character, and allowed it to control their lives, it will continually hurt their relationships.
We all need to allow even the bad events in our lives to make us wiser. We can use those hurts to better our own lives.
A broken marriage can be repaired, but it takes a lot of forgiveness, and patients. If a spouse has broken the trust, then it is their responsibility to prove themselves. If your spouse is not willing to do this, and makes you feel guilty for not trusting them, then it is obvious, they are still not willing to make a commitment. Counseling is always a good idea, if both spouses participate. A marriage consist of two people, so both will need to commit to working things out. Each partner, willing to do the right thing, to honor the other, and respect, and putting their needs before their own needs.
You cannot measure the height of a tree, until it has been cut down. It is what a man does when he gets up again, that determines his character.
Judy M Chartrand
